A Father's Response

Many of you have probably seen this video of a dad who responded to his daughter's Facebook rant by reading it for the camera adding his own reactionary commentary and ultimately taking his .45 to her laptop and filling it with 8 hollow-point rounds.  Most of my Facebook friends who have commented on the video seem to hold this father in high regard for his "tough love" and "attacking the entitlement mentality" of our youth culture.  I can't support this man's methods or attitudes displayed.

I agree that what his daughter posted was COMPLETELY out of line and there needed to be immediate and meaningful consequences to this "public post."  It is another one of my "soapboxes" how teenagers need the catharsis of expressing these things, but public forums such as Facebook and Twitter are NOT the places to do that. I love that he took what she wanted to be selectively public and made her sentiments completely public.  But there are some flaws, too. 

The true meaning of "discipline" needs to be considered when deciding upon the best approach.  Discipline is not limited to punishment.  Discipline, at it's heart is "teaching."  So a good parent needs to ask himself/herself, "what do I want to teach my child?" as well as "what is the best way to teach this lesson?"  

These are the values this father seems to want to teach and instill in his daughter:

• Respect and appreciation for parents and the lady who barters house cleaning for other services.
• A valid and strong work ethic and the joy of earning your own money and manage it for yourself
• A sense of contribution and ownership to the family and home through chores
• Personal responsibility

I applaud this father for having these values and these are some of the same values I hope to be passing on to my children.  The world NEEDS more people to live according to those values and parents who are willing to take a stand for them.

How does he seek to instill these values? What is his educational method?

Teaching respect by being himself, disrespectful. 
Not the best choice.  We as parents are to model what we expect from our children.  We are not "above the law" and our actions give authority to our words.  I agree with the stance he is taking.  I agree with 98% of what the man said to his daughter.  I do not agree with the way in which this is communicated.  Now, I have to be honest and note that sarcasm is a second language in my home.  We all use it and use it effectively without hurting one another.  I am not saying all children need to be handled as fragile and we need to be ultra-sensitive, because that is not teaching our children survival skills for the real world.  This man crossed that fine line.  Making this a public post and keeping it on YouTube for all the world to see crosses that line.  I know and understand that his daughter made it selectively public and therefore it seems "fair" for the dad to make it public.  Remember we are ADULTS.  We are to act as such and not answer adolescent angst with adolescent angst.

Motivating a work ethic by insulting and not allowing for complaint
The latter part of that statement is inferred.  It seems by the very nature of her original post that Hannah does not feel safe enough to complain at home and the father's response doesn't seem to give any indication that he tolerates complaint.  Teaching and shaping our children "how" to verbally express their dissatisfaction is a needed dimension to discipline.  However, many parents simply opt to "ban" any sort of exclamation as "disrespectful".  If there is not a valid outlet in the home, then kids will resort to other means of expression -- hence the original FB post. What he seems to be teaching his daughter is to keep her mouth shut, bottle up your emotions, and it's OK when you are a parent to let your emotions drive you to make outlandish claims (such as never using a computer or internet until college) that are virtually impossible in this day and age to be consistently followed-through.

Battling against a sense of entitlement by indulging and then trying to fight off the consequences of that indulgence.
This statement is completely inferred.  But logic seems to indicate that this girl has been given all these things and her chores around the house are to be her contribution to earn these things.  Somehow the "connection" between those two have been missed.  It is my guess that there were symptoms of this prior to this post and parents need to do more than simply ground a child for offenses or symptoms.  We need to be actively teaching them using immediacy and labeling.  When the new computer is purchased, verbally label this not as a "gift" but as a "well-earned thank you" for the work you do around the house and at school.  When asking for new items directly link a new responsibility or more consistent compliance with responsibilities as "earning" the new item prior to purchasing it. 

Teaching responsibility by being irresponsible
Is taking a perfectly good and recently upgraded laptop and filling it full of  expensive hollow-point bullets really the most responsible way to handle this?  I read a suggestions by a person on Facebook noting that  donating that laptop to a child/family who doesn't have one is probably a more responsible stewardship of resources and I have no idea why someone needs hollow-point bullets unless they are law enforcement or military (but that's another blog post). 

One of my favorite quotes about parenting is, "It is our job as parents to love and nurture our children, and to frustrate them often."  I agree that if our children are frustrated that means they are not always getting their way.  They need to be taught this experience in the context of a home that will help shape their expression of that frustration and is consistent with the limits set.  There is a fine line between that sentiment and the sentiment of the Apostle Paul who wrote:  "Father's don't provoke your children to anger."  This father crossed that line.

Raising a Teenager

A friend of mine posted a link to an article on parenting teenagers that for some reason "struck a nerve" with me. The article is an interview with psychologist Dr. Wendy Mogel with regard to her new book "The Blessing of a B Minus". I would link to the article here, but for some reason my blogging skills aren't that developed.

I felt compelled to organize my mixed responses to this article, so, as a result, I offer the choppy, rambling, responses below in terms of my agreement and disagreement with the psychologist interviewed.

AGREEMENT:
“Parents should not shield children from mishaps, but teach them to learn from their experiences.”

“Parents should be less obsessed with achievement and college applications and more tuned in to enjoying their teens.”

“If a teen’s job is to take out the garbage, parents can’t complain if they act sour about it or roll their eyes and stamp their feet. You can’t ask for both doing the job and doing it nicely.” COMMENT: Parents must “pick their battles” with teenagers and often the foot stomping or eye-rolling derails compliance with the task because parents choose to be corrective about those undesirable responses. I take issue with the semantics of her statement: parents CAN complain and CAN ask for both doing the job and doing it nicely, but it depends on what your desired goal is, and how that standard is set. Fussing and complaining about their fussing and complaining sends the wrong message.

“We are raising them to leave us.”

“They have to do really dumb things to get smart.” COMMENT: So, in following this logic, kids who do REALLY dumb things will become REALLY smart, but this just isn’t true. Teenagers don’t HAVE to do really dumb things, they CAN learn from the mistakes of others. However, the lesson might be more potent to those who experience it first-hand, and yet those who experience it first-hand might be immune to the lesson. It is up to parents to help their teens navigate through and to the lesson learned.

“The way to make it easier is be alert without alarm, be observant without prying or spying, and be compassionate but not too enmeshed.” COMMENT: It has been a contention of mine that parents should trust their teen up to the point the teenager gives them a reason not to do, so. Privacy is a privilege to a teenager, not a right. The major point in this quote is MODERATION and I believe this is a good “default” for parents who are tempted to vacillate between extremes.

“Delight in your kids. Sit down to Shabbat dinner, light candles, and say what you’re grateful for… and no one can look at their iPhone! Make sure you protect Shabbat dinner the way you protect math tutoring.” COMMENT: Great principle for Jew and Christian and all those in-between – it’s about relationship and valuing and capitalizing on the time shared together. As parents of teens know all too well, time together is less the older they become.

DISAGREEMENT:
Without going into the disagreements quote-by-quote, I can summarize my disagreement by explaining that teenagers do need to experiment and be encouraged to experiment as a means of establishing their own identity (as rightly suggested by the author and proven in the research of James Marcia), and teenagers will by virtue of their still-maturing prefrontal cortex make boneheaded decisions. It is the parent’s role to help the teenagers navigate and even engage in preventative planning for that experimentation; teaching them wisdom, forethought, and emphasizing godly virtues/values not out of a legalistic mindset, but one of seeing God’s plan “for us” not against us. Teenagers should be encouraged to THINK and PRAY rather than just experiment and regret. Those regrets will come as a course of life. A part of raising our children to leave us is teaching them how to minimize the boneheaded choices and how to glean wisdom and maturity as a result of those that will inevitably come.