I learned a long time ago, but not soon enough, that debate and dogma bear very little fruit worth consumption. I used to be the guy who would welcome the Mormon and Jehovah's Witness folks into my home so I could argue with them about how wrong they are in the hopes that my strong argument would somehow win them over to my side. What I realized in every instance was that they were as passionate and steadfast in what they believe as I am in what I believe. Now, don't interpret what I'm writing to be a relativist acceptance of all religions as truth, just an observation that all religions have passionate followers and debate does nothing more than solidify people in their belief. It had the reverse effect of what I was hoping for. Just like the parent of the adolescent who forbids his/her son/daughter from dating someone. So, I have given up on passionate debate. Until the other day...
I got rooked into one of those stupid "comment" debates on Facebook over a couple of people's assertion that pastor/teacher/author Rob Bell is a heretic. Notice in this case it was not someone from a DIFFERENT religion which makes this all the more sad. I won't bore you with the details. The summary of the exchanges is that I was simply trying to note that I had been listening to Bell's podcasts for over a year and never heard anything I would consider heresy. This other guy, (we'll call him "Dwayne" because I like the way that name sounds, say it out loud, "Dwayne!") chose to make his argument about the "postmodern movement in Christianity" and the need for its demise and the advocacy for more apologetics. "Apologetics" is Christian code for "debate." Fortunately, when I realized his over-generalization, I stopped commenting because it was getting off the point. The point being, one man, one fallible man, doesn't seem to be teaching heresy. I am not and do not idolize or hang on every word of this man. I find him engaging and his perspective fresh because he and I agree that increasing debate will only increase division (within our own faith) which does nothing but distract from doing good (Eph. 2:8-10) and decreases our efficacy in society as a whole.
Just as with every debate I have ever been in, the result was further solidarity to my view point and while I had only listened to Bell and never read any of his books, I ordered Velvet Elvis on my Kindle and have begun reading. In his first chapter, Bell uses two metaphors to illustrate the two sides of this Facebook debate. In speaking of doctrine (which is important but not more important than the object of that doctrine)Bell writes of trampoline springs and brick walls. One is much more flexible and pliable than the other and there is room for growth. The other is inflexible and unmovable. Those in favor of brick walls make faith about doctrine and derive meaning and confidence in their inflexible doctrines. Bell notes that walls have to be defended and when was the last time anyone had to defend a trampoline. Trampolines are about enjoying and inviting others to enjoy. A defensive faith is not a welcoming faith.
All of this is summed up in the famous words credited to St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words." I want my life and how I engage this world to be my witness, not my defenses. I want to spend more time jumping and inviting others to jump, and less time dividing -- especially among our own faith. I want to be the guy who welcomes Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses in my home for a cup of coffee and conversation, not an argument.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Hope
I have to admit that I am somewhat of a Facebook addict. Having the application on my iPhone makes it easy to check my friends status updates multiple times a day. Lately, it seems, many of those updates have to do with children and other loved ones suffering along with a request for prayer. I found myself overwhelmed by feelings of grief for those suffering and really struggling with my own fears for my family. As I prayed for many of those and being honest with God about my subsequent hopeless feelings, he led me to consider that my confidence and hope is in hope. I want to feel hope so I'll know there is hope. Then I heard myself talking to clients about not letting feelings determine what you believe to be true. In short, I cannot hope in hope. My hope is in Christ, the True One.
Some times hoping in Christ doesn't feel good.
Some times hoping in Christ doesn't feel good.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Some People...
Saturday I decide to mow the yard. I'm one of those weird people who actually like to mow the yard (esp. on my John Deere "garden tractor"). Nothing runs like a Deere, right? Well, unless the deere just dies on you for no apparent reason 10 minutes into the mow. I pull my little pick-up over to the deere and jump start it. No problem. Until 30 minutes later when the deere dies again and now, the sucker won't even try to crank. Pushed the deere over to a place where I could pull the pick up over for one more try. No luck this time. So, I do what all people who were raised in the city by two women and marry into a farming family do... I call my father-in-law who is on the REAL tractor planting cotton.
We (and I use this plural pronoun "we" loosely) couldn't figure out what the problem might be. I decide to try a new battery. The deere is used and is a 1999 model there was a little corrosion on the positive side of the battery so I thought might as well get a new one. The battery that was on there was a DieHard 27135 Golden Garden Tractor battery. Yeah, I know meaningless to me, too. But, I did know that "DieHard" meant Sears because of the commercials. So I head over to Sears thinking it would probably be best to get the same battery than risk me making a huge mistake and purchase the wrong one.
I took a picture of the battery with my trusty iPhone so I could have the model number and started looking on the racks that displayed "Golden Garden Tractor" batteries. I can't find the model number and notice two workers discussing inventory one giving orders and the other taking them. So I approach them and ask if they carried a 27135. The one giving orders immediately looks away from me and starts working (he's obviously in charge) and the one taking orders just looks confused. He walks over to the rack and looks around (just as I had been doing for the last 3 minutes) and says, no we don't carry those. I offer a suggestion, "Maybe the model numbers changed. Do you think there is one here that replaced this model?" This guy hem-haws around a minute and says, I don't know. The guy in charge is obviously irritated with business being conducted in his store and bothering him from getting work done, sighs really big and says, "which one are you looking for? I used to work in lawn and garden." I tell him the model number and before I can finish (with a look on his face that can only be interpreted, "you stupid man, why don't you know these things" directed at me and not his employee) says, "They changed those model numbers you are either going to need a 27185 or a 27195."
I see both of these models on the rack. So I ask him what seems to be the next logical question. "How do I know which one I need?" Barely looking up the guy says, "I just told you." Hmmm, silly me. Not wanting to bother the guy any further, I explain that I have the old battery in the truck, so why don't I go get it and see if I can figure it out. He says nothing and "Little Johnny Order Taker" is standing there nodding his head that this is a good idea.
I bring in the battery and match the size, unit number, and one other number with the 27185. When I get to the counter 15 feet behind me, the manager guy and Little Johnny are no where to be found. There is no buzzer "ring bell for service" so I wait a little bit thinking foolishly that Sears would make taking my money easy. I walk around the corner and ask another worker in hardware if I could get some help in automotive. Walking back around the corner with Hardware Guy, Little Johnny appears and offers to go get manager guy. Manager guy comes out of a room behind off behind the counter where I am convinced manager guy has been sitting watching me from a security camera hoping I would just go away and let him get back to stocking batteries.
As he is getting the register ready to scan and take my money, I thought foolishly I would try to make small talk, so I explained how I came up with the 27185. Manager guy looks doesn't miss a beat and says, "yeah, just like I said." At this point I'm getting a little irritated so I thought a minor correction was in order. So I explain, "Well, I thought you said I needed either 27185 or 195." Manager guy says, "yeah, that's right."
I give up.
I take my DieHard 27185 Golden Garden Tractor battery home and install it on the deere. It still doesn't work. YES, I did match positive to positive and negative to negative.
Nothing runs like a Deere!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Good Book, Bad Movie, Better Understanding
There are some good books that have been made into some pretty lousy movies. For example: "The Firm" = good book, bad movie; "Running with Scissors" = great book, lame movie; "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" = very interesting book, terrible movie I turned off 45 minutes into it; "The Kite Runner" = phenomenal book!, haven't seen the movie but CAN'T be as good as the book. The list could go on, and on, and on. To the people who have never read the books, the movies might be great, but there is little disagreement if you are a reader, that the book is nearly always better.
Why is that?
There are several reasons people can give including trying to narrow down a 500 page book into a 2 hr. (these days 1.5 hrs at twice the cost - but lets not go there!) movie, and the beauty of imagination versus interpretation on screen. As I reflected on my own reason for disappointment with movies over books, I realized that one of the aspects of books that establishes intimacy and meaning between the characters and the readers is the insight the author gives to character motivations -- Understanding why they did what they did. The movie watchers don't get that privilege and often are left somewhat confused just seeing the behaviors on screen without the benefit of knowing what lies underneath that behavior.
This is true with couples and families as well. Often we are left simply watching our spouse's (or children's) movies -- confused and often making incorrect assumptions that can lead to tense situations. Many arguments can be avoided simply by asking, "why" or "what were you thinking?". Even better, we should be able to offer to our partners some insight to our motivations and thoughts. Allowing others to "read our books" can lead to better understanding and deeper intimacy.
Why is that?
There are several reasons people can give including trying to narrow down a 500 page book into a 2 hr. (these days 1.5 hrs at twice the cost - but lets not go there!) movie, and the beauty of imagination versus interpretation on screen. As I reflected on my own reason for disappointment with movies over books, I realized that one of the aspects of books that establishes intimacy and meaning between the characters and the readers is the insight the author gives to character motivations -- Understanding why they did what they did. The movie watchers don't get that privilege and often are left somewhat confused just seeing the behaviors on screen without the benefit of knowing what lies underneath that behavior.
This is true with couples and families as well. Often we are left simply watching our spouse's (or children's) movies -- confused and often making incorrect assumptions that can lead to tense situations. Many arguments can be avoided simply by asking, "why" or "what were you thinking?". Even better, we should be able to offer to our partners some insight to our motivations and thoughts. Allowing others to "read our books" can lead to better understanding and deeper intimacy.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Abuse...
My apologies to all who make attempts to read my blog and are disappointed with the infrequent updates. I was feeling guilty about not posting anything for 5 weeks, so I thought now would be a great time to provide you with another installment of my Mental Health Matters article regarding the effects of abuse. Hope you guys find this helpful and informative. I will try to be mroe consistent.
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Last installment we examined the multi-faceted reasons why some children who are sexually abused seem to have more intense and pervasive effects from the abuse and why other children seem more resilient. This month we begin taking a look at what some of those effects can be. Just as the factors leading to these effects are multi-faceted, these impacts are multi-demensional. Also, keep in mind that the effects mentoned are possibilities and not all survivors of abuse will experience all of the signs or symptoms detailed in this and subsequent articles. Although we are going to be examining these demensional impacts in separate articles, they are connected. We know that how we think and what we believe influences the way we feel and how we feel influences our behavior. Therefore, we begin our discussion with the cognitive or mental impacts sexual abuse can have on it's victims.
Flashbacks and nightmares are two of the more widely known residual cognitive manifestations. Flashbacks can be triggered environmentally or experienced as unexpected seemingly spontaneous intrusive thoughts. The most common environmental triggers are associated with sight and smell. Seeing the abuser (or even someone resembling the abuser), visiting the location of the abuse, and encountering odors assocated with the abuser or location of the abuse are obvious triggers. More subtle triggers are assocated with other senses such as hearing certain phrases, voice tones, inflections, and encountering certain textures. Flashbacks are generally experienced in one of two ways. Either the survivor experiences memories of the abuse like a terribly vivid movie playing in their mind or they have a memory that causes them to consider all the ways they could have done something differently further exascerbating the harmful myth that they had a role in perpetuating the abuse. Nightmares are an issue that deals with the unpredictable and irrational subconscious and therefore, difficult to have truly insightful comment. Therefore my input here is fairly limited. Nightmares can have varying degrees of frequency and intensity. Some experience recurrent nightmares (the same nightmare over and over) while others have different nightmares that reflect or distort what they encountered. Some antidepressant medications such as Cymbalta have been associated with more vivid and realistic feeling dreams. Please consult your prescibing physician if you have questions related to medication side-effects.
Beliefs that survivors of abuse develop about themselves and the world around them are other devistating cognitive impacts. Consider for a moment your own experience of sitting in a restaraunt and noticing couples or families sitting together and seemingly enjoying a meal. It is most people's natural tendency to assume the best about those whom we observe. We assume the couple are happy and in love or that the family is healthy and stable. Between the ages of 10-13 children begin to develop more abstract, deductive, and inductive reasoning. Along with this deveopment the abused child comes to the correct understanding that his homelife and/or experiences are different than what he has seen on the Disney channel or read about in books. This child who is at school or other social places with peers begins to make the same asumptions as we do. However, these assumptions often lead to the distorted belief that no one else's home life is like theirs and therefore, they are different than everyone else. Being exposed to the trauma of sexual abuse often leads it's victims to believe that the world or certain aspects of it are untrustworhy and unsafe. This is especially true of the child who is abused by a parent or other family member who is "supposed to be" trusted. It is these core beliefs that the child develops about themeselves and the world around them that lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, anger, shame, and guilt that will be explored in this article next month.
=======================================================
Last installment we examined the multi-faceted reasons why some children who are sexually abused seem to have more intense and pervasive effects from the abuse and why other children seem more resilient. This month we begin taking a look at what some of those effects can be. Just as the factors leading to these effects are multi-faceted, these impacts are multi-demensional. Also, keep in mind that the effects mentoned are possibilities and not all survivors of abuse will experience all of the signs or symptoms detailed in this and subsequent articles. Although we are going to be examining these demensional impacts in separate articles, they are connected. We know that how we think and what we believe influences the way we feel and how we feel influences our behavior. Therefore, we begin our discussion with the cognitive or mental impacts sexual abuse can have on it's victims.
Flashbacks and nightmares are two of the more widely known residual cognitive manifestations. Flashbacks can be triggered environmentally or experienced as unexpected seemingly spontaneous intrusive thoughts. The most common environmental triggers are associated with sight and smell. Seeing the abuser (or even someone resembling the abuser), visiting the location of the abuse, and encountering odors assocated with the abuser or location of the abuse are obvious triggers. More subtle triggers are assocated with other senses such as hearing certain phrases, voice tones, inflections, and encountering certain textures. Flashbacks are generally experienced in one of two ways. Either the survivor experiences memories of the abuse like a terribly vivid movie playing in their mind or they have a memory that causes them to consider all the ways they could have done something differently further exascerbating the harmful myth that they had a role in perpetuating the abuse. Nightmares are an issue that deals with the unpredictable and irrational subconscious and therefore, difficult to have truly insightful comment. Therefore my input here is fairly limited. Nightmares can have varying degrees of frequency and intensity. Some experience recurrent nightmares (the same nightmare over and over) while others have different nightmares that reflect or distort what they encountered. Some antidepressant medications such as Cymbalta have been associated with more vivid and realistic feeling dreams. Please consult your prescibing physician if you have questions related to medication side-effects.
Beliefs that survivors of abuse develop about themselves and the world around them are other devistating cognitive impacts. Consider for a moment your own experience of sitting in a restaraunt and noticing couples or families sitting together and seemingly enjoying a meal. It is most people's natural tendency to assume the best about those whom we observe. We assume the couple are happy and in love or that the family is healthy and stable. Between the ages of 10-13 children begin to develop more abstract, deductive, and inductive reasoning. Along with this deveopment the abused child comes to the correct understanding that his homelife and/or experiences are different than what he has seen on the Disney channel or read about in books. This child who is at school or other social places with peers begins to make the same asumptions as we do. However, these assumptions often lead to the distorted belief that no one else's home life is like theirs and therefore, they are different than everyone else. Being exposed to the trauma of sexual abuse often leads it's victims to believe that the world or certain aspects of it are untrustworhy and unsafe. This is especially true of the child who is abused by a parent or other family member who is "supposed to be" trusted. It is these core beliefs that the child develops about themeselves and the world around them that lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, anger, shame, and guilt that will be explored in this article next month.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Joaquin Phoenix
I think Joaquin Phoenix is one of the best actors out there. Phillip Hoffman, Edward Norton, and Christian Bale are better, but Phoenix was fantastic in "Gladiator" and "Walk the Line." He seems to have abandoned acting in pursuit of a Hip Hop music career. However, he has a movie coming out this weekend called "Two Lovers" and is making some junket apperances promoting it.
Don't know if you guys caught this interview on Letterman last night, but it is one of the most uncomfortable things I think I have ever watched. There are rumors that this may be a "prank" and this whole idea of having a Hip Hop career is going to actually be a "Spinal Tap" style mockumentary movie. But I dont' think so. Would love to hear your thoughts after you watch...
Don't know if you guys caught this interview on Letterman last night, but it is one of the most uncomfortable things I think I have ever watched. There are rumors that this may be a "prank" and this whole idea of having a Hip Hop career is going to actually be a "Spinal Tap" style mockumentary movie. But I dont' think so. Would love to hear your thoughts after you watch...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Mental Health Matters
A good friend of mine is the Executive Director of the Mental Health Association of the Abilene area. Back in November he asked me to consider writing a series of articles (one a month) for a local publication to inform the public on the possible effects sexual abuse can have on it's victims. Having worked for three years at the Regional Crime Victim Crisis Center, this subject is close to my heart. I thought I would begin posting these articles on this blog. This is my first article which was actually published in December.
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It seems the sexual abuse of children is an epidemic in our society. This evil respects no boundary of gender, race, ethnicity, or socioeconomic status. The Mental Health Association of Abilene recognizes that thousands of people in the Big Country have been impacted by this epidemic. Therefore, Executive Director, Kirk Hancock commissioned the penning of six articles over the course of six months for the purpose of educating the general public regarding the potential developmental impacts of sexual abuse on its’ victims.
When approaching the discussion of this subject, it is important to note that there are no standard or predictable outcomes and some seem to adjust better post-abuse than others. For the next five months, Mental Health Matters will have one article highlighting how specific dimensions of a person can be impacted by sexual abuse. These articles will take a “shot gun” approach to describing potential impacts. It should be noted that not all survivors of sexual abuse will experience all the effects discussed and the intensity with which others endure their respective impacts will differ. Therefore, it stands to reason that we first answer the question of what factors influence the intensity of the adverse developmental impacts on a child who has been sexually abused.
The duration and frequency of the abuse is one important component to consider. Some children experience the abuse on a daily, weekly, or monthly frequency for a duration of months or years. Others have endured less chronic or isolated instances of abuse. It is this latter group with the least amount of susceptibility to adverse consequences down the road.
Another consideration is the kind of abuse perpetrated. Those survivors with the most intense developmental impacts are those who sustained penetration orally, anally, or vaginally. The invasive nature of these acts adds to the already deep sense of violation both physically and psychologically. Sexual abuse can include less invasive, yet still horrific, forms such as manual stimulation and groping over the clothes.
The response of adults to the child's disclosure of the abuse is another vital piece to understanding the resilience of some abused children. Common mistakes parents and other significant adults make when a child musters the courage of disclosing the abuse are not believing the child, blaming the child, or defining the child by the abuse. The lack of support, blame and even punishment of the child can have just as devastating impacts as the actual abuse.
Other factors include the age and temperament of the child, the presence of violence or intimidation along with the sexual abuse, and the relationship of the abuser to the abused.
While there is nothing positive about an abusive situation, there can be a "best case" scenario. Bear in mind, even those who come from a "worst case" scenario who access quality professional help and have a solid social support system can not only survive, but thrive.
=========================================================
It seems the sexual abuse of children is an epidemic in our society. This evil respects no boundary of gender, race, ethnicity, or socioeconomic status. The Mental Health Association of Abilene recognizes that thousands of people in the Big Country have been impacted by this epidemic. Therefore, Executive Director, Kirk Hancock commissioned the penning of six articles over the course of six months for the purpose of educating the general public regarding the potential developmental impacts of sexual abuse on its’ victims.
When approaching the discussion of this subject, it is important to note that there are no standard or predictable outcomes and some seem to adjust better post-abuse than others. For the next five months, Mental Health Matters will have one article highlighting how specific dimensions of a person can be impacted by sexual abuse. These articles will take a “shot gun” approach to describing potential impacts. It should be noted that not all survivors of sexual abuse will experience all the effects discussed and the intensity with which others endure their respective impacts will differ. Therefore, it stands to reason that we first answer the question of what factors influence the intensity of the adverse developmental impacts on a child who has been sexually abused.
The duration and frequency of the abuse is one important component to consider. Some children experience the abuse on a daily, weekly, or monthly frequency for a duration of months or years. Others have endured less chronic or isolated instances of abuse. It is this latter group with the least amount of susceptibility to adverse consequences down the road.
Another consideration is the kind of abuse perpetrated. Those survivors with the most intense developmental impacts are those who sustained penetration orally, anally, or vaginally. The invasive nature of these acts adds to the already deep sense of violation both physically and psychologically. Sexual abuse can include less invasive, yet still horrific, forms such as manual stimulation and groping over the clothes.
The response of adults to the child's disclosure of the abuse is another vital piece to understanding the resilience of some abused children. Common mistakes parents and other significant adults make when a child musters the courage of disclosing the abuse are not believing the child, blaming the child, or defining the child by the abuse. The lack of support, blame and even punishment of the child can have just as devastating impacts as the actual abuse.
Other factors include the age and temperament of the child, the presence of violence or intimidation along with the sexual abuse, and the relationship of the abuser to the abused.
While there is nothing positive about an abusive situation, there can be a "best case" scenario. Bear in mind, even those who come from a "worst case" scenario who access quality professional help and have a solid social support system can not only survive, but thrive.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Ejected!
I got kicked out of a Middle School gym this weekend.
This weekend my daughter's team played in an 8th grade basketball tournament in Sweetwater, TX. They played two games on Friday night and one early Saturday morning. Their first game was against Midland Christian School who has a 6 foot 8th grade girl on the team. The Jim Ned Lady Indians (JNLI) eeked out a 1 point win against a competitve ball team. It was fun to watch! Then fifteen minutes after their first game, JNLI had to play against the host team the 8th grade B Team of the Sweetwater Lady Mustangs. This game was NOT fun to watch. In fact it was horrifying!
After the game, as we discussed what it was like, the consensus was that it was like watching something out of a bad prison movie. I have never seen any team so inappropriately aggressive as the Sweetwater 8th grade B team. Many of the JNLI parents passed comments back and forth through out the game wondering if the JNLI coach would forefit and walk out at half time. It was literally that bad. My family and I happened to eat at the same restraunt as the team after the game and the coach told us it was one of the most unsafe environments in which she had ever been.
Half-way through the third quarter after 3 of our girls were injured, I noticed a man who seemed to be a school offical/administrator talking to the referees. It was my assumption that he was telling them to get the game under control and to speak to the Sweetwater coach about the chaoticly aggressive manner of play. The Sweetwater grils seemed to ease up in the 4th quarter. Through out the game I had been considering writing a letter to the Sweetwater ISD about how apalling this experience had been and I believe I am pretty good at composing rational, professional, yet direct correspondence. But seeing this man have this talk with the referees, I thought a face-to-face conversation would be appropriate as well, and he might be willing to receive it. So, I began to formulate my thoughts and strategy as to how to approach him without coming across as an out of control parent.
At the end of the game, I approached this man just after he escorted the referees to their changing room. I extended my hand, introduced myself by name and as a parent with the Jim Ned team. I then asked if he was indeed a school offical. He confirmed that he was a school official, and I thought the best means of begining this conversation was with a complament. So, I said to him, "I appreciate you talking to those referees during the game." The man smiled and nodded and basically said, "Yeah, no problem." Then I told him, "But sir, it should have been done long before the 3rd quarter because what was going on out there was apalling." Apparently, he didn't like this part. He asked me if I was a school offical and when he confirmed I was "just a parent" he got this dismissive expression on his face and said, "Oh, OK, OK, yeah, OK, thank you very much Mr. Irby for your comment. Thank you very much." and he started walking back toward the crowd. I walked behind him and was about to add my final comment which was going to be, "Someone should have a talk with that girls' coach about what she is allowing to happen on the court." I only got up to "girls' coach" when he whirled around, red-faced and yelled in my face, "That girls' coach is my wife!" He continued yelling, "You have just crossed a line! Get out of my gym and get out now before I call the police Mr. Irby!" "Don't you come back!" I told him I would be glad to leave and walked away. I later found out that my family thought the guy was going to hit me. I didn't have that fear because he had already threatened to call the cops, and knew he probably wouldn't risk an asault charge.
I went to our suburban and waited for my family to get there. I didn't know if they would be embarrassed, angry, or what. Turned out, they were glad I had talked with the man and for maintaining composure.
I understand the man being upset with me, but his behavior was extreme and completely unprofessional. I did not know the coach was married to the official, and I think if I had slandered her in some way, I should have been ejected. I was simply trying to follow what I thought to be the appropriate "chain of command" to have something done about the inappropriate aggression taking place on the court. While I know it is up to the coaches and referees to maintain order, when both fail to do so, I think it is the administrations place to step in and bring about a solution. This administrator had other viable choices such as continuing to be dismissive with me and saying, "OK, I'll be sure someone talks with her." or by simply telling me "Excuse me, that coach is my wife and I would appreciate it if you would keep your opinions about her to yourself." Either one would have been much more appropriate.
After our final game on Saturday (which I attended), the JNLI coach asked that we be "uninvited" next year. She clarified to the Sweetwater coach that this had been one of the most unsafe environments in which she had ever coached because apparently the A team had a similar experience.
I never thought I'd be ejected from a gym.
This weekend my daughter's team played in an 8th grade basketball tournament in Sweetwater, TX. They played two games on Friday night and one early Saturday morning. Their first game was against Midland Christian School who has a 6 foot 8th grade girl on the team. The Jim Ned Lady Indians (JNLI) eeked out a 1 point win against a competitve ball team. It was fun to watch! Then fifteen minutes after their first game, JNLI had to play against the host team the 8th grade B Team of the Sweetwater Lady Mustangs. This game was NOT fun to watch. In fact it was horrifying!
After the game, as we discussed what it was like, the consensus was that it was like watching something out of a bad prison movie. I have never seen any team so inappropriately aggressive as the Sweetwater 8th grade B team. Many of the JNLI parents passed comments back and forth through out the game wondering if the JNLI coach would forefit and walk out at half time. It was literally that bad. My family and I happened to eat at the same restraunt as the team after the game and the coach told us it was one of the most unsafe environments in which she had ever been.
Half-way through the third quarter after 3 of our girls were injured, I noticed a man who seemed to be a school offical/administrator talking to the referees. It was my assumption that he was telling them to get the game under control and to speak to the Sweetwater coach about the chaoticly aggressive manner of play. The Sweetwater grils seemed to ease up in the 4th quarter. Through out the game I had been considering writing a letter to the Sweetwater ISD about how apalling this experience had been and I believe I am pretty good at composing rational, professional, yet direct correspondence. But seeing this man have this talk with the referees, I thought a face-to-face conversation would be appropriate as well, and he might be willing to receive it. So, I began to formulate my thoughts and strategy as to how to approach him without coming across as an out of control parent.
At the end of the game, I approached this man just after he escorted the referees to their changing room. I extended my hand, introduced myself by name and as a parent with the Jim Ned team. I then asked if he was indeed a school offical. He confirmed that he was a school official, and I thought the best means of begining this conversation was with a complament. So, I said to him, "I appreciate you talking to those referees during the game." The man smiled and nodded and basically said, "Yeah, no problem." Then I told him, "But sir, it should have been done long before the 3rd quarter because what was going on out there was apalling." Apparently, he didn't like this part. He asked me if I was a school offical and when he confirmed I was "just a parent" he got this dismissive expression on his face and said, "Oh, OK, OK, yeah, OK, thank you very much Mr. Irby for your comment. Thank you very much." and he started walking back toward the crowd. I walked behind him and was about to add my final comment which was going to be, "Someone should have a talk with that girls' coach about what she is allowing to happen on the court." I only got up to "girls' coach" when he whirled around, red-faced and yelled in my face, "That girls' coach is my wife!" He continued yelling, "You have just crossed a line! Get out of my gym and get out now before I call the police Mr. Irby!" "Don't you come back!" I told him I would be glad to leave and walked away. I later found out that my family thought the guy was going to hit me. I didn't have that fear because he had already threatened to call the cops, and knew he probably wouldn't risk an asault charge.
I went to our suburban and waited for my family to get there. I didn't know if they would be embarrassed, angry, or what. Turned out, they were glad I had talked with the man and for maintaining composure.
I understand the man being upset with me, but his behavior was extreme and completely unprofessional. I did not know the coach was married to the official, and I think if I had slandered her in some way, I should have been ejected. I was simply trying to follow what I thought to be the appropriate "chain of command" to have something done about the inappropriate aggression taking place on the court. While I know it is up to the coaches and referees to maintain order, when both fail to do so, I think it is the administrations place to step in and bring about a solution. This administrator had other viable choices such as continuing to be dismissive with me and saying, "OK, I'll be sure someone talks with her." or by simply telling me "Excuse me, that coach is my wife and I would appreciate it if you would keep your opinions about her to yourself." Either one would have been much more appropriate.
After our final game on Saturday (which I attended), the JNLI coach asked that we be "uninvited" next year. She clarified to the Sweetwater coach that this had been one of the most unsafe environments in which she had ever coached because apparently the A team had a similar experience.
I never thought I'd be ejected from a gym.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Sweet 16
Today I have been married to my incredible wife for 16 years. The cool thing about being married on January 1 is that every new year together is literally a new year. There are "uncool" thinigs about being married on January 1. Such as the busyness of the holiday season interfering with a true celebration of the years spent together and the hit our budgets take at Christmas usually makes for anniversaries that are not marked with the kinds of gifts we would like to give. However, we do make time for a night out after the fact. Time with just my wife is something I cherrish and is increasingly more rare the older our children become.
One of the strengths of our marriage is that we have usually communicated about those important things. We talked and prayed about uprooting our family and leaving what was familiar in 2001 and beginning a very new and often stressful time in our lives. We have talked about the need to "go easy" on the anniversary gifts because of Christmas and the need to be sacrifical with some of our time alone to be more involved and devoted to our children during this important stage of their development. Now, that doesn't mean we always agree on everything, but one thing I can say about us as a couple is that in 16 years I don't remember either of us yelling and screaming at the other when angry. And believe me, I am not the easiest person to live with (no comments from the peanut gallery please). Respect and love for one another have been cardinal traits of this relationship. I cannot say thank you enough to her.
The apostle Paul reminds us if we are to boast it is to boast in and about Christ. He is the One I give the credit for these 16 years. It is his sustaining and overflowing grace that has brought us to and through all these years. He has blessed me with an incredibly kind, loving, gentle, extension of himself in Laurie. I cannot imagine life without her, nor would I want to. He teaches me through her on an almost daily basis. Plus, she is smokin' hot!
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