The following is an unedited copy of an article I wrote for the Abilene Mental Health Association's series on integrating faith and psychology that will be published sometime in December in the Abilene Reporter News. This subject has been a pet-peeve of mine for some time.
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I know why we do it. We know and love someone who is experiencing grief related to a death or surviving a trauma of some sort and we want to offer words of encouragement and hope to let them know we love them and are hurting for them. For many people, being around those who are hurting is an uncomfortable experience so they reach for something to say that might break the tension they feel. One of the most common offerings given to those grieving is common Christian clichés that many believe are grounded biblically and therefore can bring comfort. One of the most common clichés given is “God will never give you more than you can handle.” This statement is going to be examined along two levels. The first level is looking at the biblical basis for the cliché and the second is following the logic of the cliché and assessing whether or not we are expressing what is true and helpful to those grieving.
“God will never give us more than we can handle.” The only place in scripture I can find any semblance of support for this sentiment is in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that reads: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (NIV, emphasis mine). This text speaks of temptation and not trial. James’ epistle speaks of trials as a testing of our faith, not a testing of our own strength. The life of faith is a life to be lived dependent upon God’s work in and through us. In fact, it seems to be a central theme to the whole of scripture that God consistently gives us more than we can handle because when we recognize we cannot handle our circumstances, we are open to recognizing our God who can handle any and all of our suffering and pain. Consider the Old Testament account of the 12 spies sent to investigate the Promised Land. Ten of the spies returned discouraged believing the land would never be theirs as God had promised because the men were like giants. Two of the spies, the faithful spies (Caleb and Joshua) focused rather on God’s ability not man’s inability. The message of this cliché seems to be that it is God’s role to filter through trials, protect us against those that are too tough for us, and allow only those we are strong enough to bear. While God is in the equation of this cliché, the focus of the cliché is on us and our ability which, again, seems contrary to a life of faith.
Evangelist Richard Jackson has said that God often does not get enough credit for things he is responsible for, and often gets too much blame for things He is not. It is this sentiment that fuels my examination of these cliché’s. If we are to offer words of comfort, let’s make sure they are genuine representatives of God in our suffering. The place of God in our suffering is with us and in us via His Holy Spirit. In this example of God’s presence with us, that we can find how to truly be a comforter in the lives of those we love. Honestly, the best comfort most people can give is not in their words of wisdom, but in their presence. The Jewish people have a tradition of “Sitting Shiva” for those who are grieving. In this practice a person is simply being present. There is no pressure to speak or act, simply to be. The presence of one person who cares is more powerful than a book filled with clichés.
