A good friend of mine is the Executive Director of the Mental Health Association of the Abilene area. Back in November he asked me to consider writing a series of articles (one a month) for a local publication to inform the public on the possible effects sexual abuse can have on it's victims. Having worked for three years at the Regional Crime Victim Crisis Center, this subject is close to my heart. I thought I would begin posting these articles on this blog. This is my first article which was actually published in December.
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It seems the sexual abuse of children is an epidemic in our society. This evil respects no boundary of gender, race, ethnicity, or socioeconomic status. The Mental Health Association of Abilene recognizes that thousands of people in the Big Country have been impacted by this epidemic. Therefore, Executive Director, Kirk Hancock commissioned the penning of six articles over the course of six months for the purpose of educating the general public regarding the potential developmental impacts of sexual abuse on its’ victims.
When approaching the discussion of this subject, it is important to note that there are no standard or predictable outcomes and some seem to adjust better post-abuse than others. For the next five months, Mental Health Matters will have one article highlighting how specific dimensions of a person can be impacted by sexual abuse. These articles will take a “shot gun” approach to describing potential impacts. It should be noted that not all survivors of sexual abuse will experience all the effects discussed and the intensity with which others endure their respective impacts will differ. Therefore, it stands to reason that we first answer the question of what factors influence the intensity of the adverse developmental impacts on a child who has been sexually abused.
The duration and frequency of the abuse is one important component to consider. Some children experience the abuse on a daily, weekly, or monthly frequency for a duration of months or years. Others have endured less chronic or isolated instances of abuse. It is this latter group with the least amount of susceptibility to adverse consequences down the road.
Another consideration is the kind of abuse perpetrated. Those survivors with the most intense developmental impacts are those who sustained penetration orally, anally, or vaginally. The invasive nature of these acts adds to the already deep sense of violation both physically and psychologically. Sexual abuse can include less invasive, yet still horrific, forms such as manual stimulation and groping over the clothes.
The response of adults to the child's disclosure of the abuse is another vital piece to understanding the resilience of some abused children. Common mistakes parents and other significant adults make when a child musters the courage of disclosing the abuse are not believing the child, blaming the child, or defining the child by the abuse. The lack of support, blame and even punishment of the child can have just as devastating impacts as the actual abuse.
Other factors include the age and temperament of the child, the presence of violence or intimidation along with the sexual abuse, and the relationship of the abuser to the abused.
While there is nothing positive about an abusive situation, there can be a "best case" scenario. Bear in mind, even those who come from a "worst case" scenario who access quality professional help and have a solid social support system can not only survive, but thrive.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Ejected!
I got kicked out of a Middle School gym this weekend.
This weekend my daughter's team played in an 8th grade basketball tournament in Sweetwater, TX. They played two games on Friday night and one early Saturday morning. Their first game was against Midland Christian School who has a 6 foot 8th grade girl on the team. The Jim Ned Lady Indians (JNLI) eeked out a 1 point win against a competitve ball team. It was fun to watch! Then fifteen minutes after their first game, JNLI had to play against the host team the 8th grade B Team of the Sweetwater Lady Mustangs. This game was NOT fun to watch. In fact it was horrifying!
After the game, as we discussed what it was like, the consensus was that it was like watching something out of a bad prison movie. I have never seen any team so inappropriately aggressive as the Sweetwater 8th grade B team. Many of the JNLI parents passed comments back and forth through out the game wondering if the JNLI coach would forefit and walk out at half time. It was literally that bad. My family and I happened to eat at the same restraunt as the team after the game and the coach told us it was one of the most unsafe environments in which she had ever been.
Half-way through the third quarter after 3 of our girls were injured, I noticed a man who seemed to be a school offical/administrator talking to the referees. It was my assumption that he was telling them to get the game under control and to speak to the Sweetwater coach about the chaoticly aggressive manner of play. The Sweetwater grils seemed to ease up in the 4th quarter. Through out the game I had been considering writing a letter to the Sweetwater ISD about how apalling this experience had been and I believe I am pretty good at composing rational, professional, yet direct correspondence. But seeing this man have this talk with the referees, I thought a face-to-face conversation would be appropriate as well, and he might be willing to receive it. So, I began to formulate my thoughts and strategy as to how to approach him without coming across as an out of control parent.
At the end of the game, I approached this man just after he escorted the referees to their changing room. I extended my hand, introduced myself by name and as a parent with the Jim Ned team. I then asked if he was indeed a school offical. He confirmed that he was a school official, and I thought the best means of begining this conversation was with a complament. So, I said to him, "I appreciate you talking to those referees during the game." The man smiled and nodded and basically said, "Yeah, no problem." Then I told him, "But sir, it should have been done long before the 3rd quarter because what was going on out there was apalling." Apparently, he didn't like this part. He asked me if I was a school offical and when he confirmed I was "just a parent" he got this dismissive expression on his face and said, "Oh, OK, OK, yeah, OK, thank you very much Mr. Irby for your comment. Thank you very much." and he started walking back toward the crowd. I walked behind him and was about to add my final comment which was going to be, "Someone should have a talk with that girls' coach about what she is allowing to happen on the court." I only got up to "girls' coach" when he whirled around, red-faced and yelled in my face, "That girls' coach is my wife!" He continued yelling, "You have just crossed a line! Get out of my gym and get out now before I call the police Mr. Irby!" "Don't you come back!" I told him I would be glad to leave and walked away. I later found out that my family thought the guy was going to hit me. I didn't have that fear because he had already threatened to call the cops, and knew he probably wouldn't risk an asault charge.
I went to our suburban and waited for my family to get there. I didn't know if they would be embarrassed, angry, or what. Turned out, they were glad I had talked with the man and for maintaining composure.
I understand the man being upset with me, but his behavior was extreme and completely unprofessional. I did not know the coach was married to the official, and I think if I had slandered her in some way, I should have been ejected. I was simply trying to follow what I thought to be the appropriate "chain of command" to have something done about the inappropriate aggression taking place on the court. While I know it is up to the coaches and referees to maintain order, when both fail to do so, I think it is the administrations place to step in and bring about a solution. This administrator had other viable choices such as continuing to be dismissive with me and saying, "OK, I'll be sure someone talks with her." or by simply telling me "Excuse me, that coach is my wife and I would appreciate it if you would keep your opinions about her to yourself." Either one would have been much more appropriate.
After our final game on Saturday (which I attended), the JNLI coach asked that we be "uninvited" next year. She clarified to the Sweetwater coach that this had been one of the most unsafe environments in which she had ever coached because apparently the A team had a similar experience.
I never thought I'd be ejected from a gym.
This weekend my daughter's team played in an 8th grade basketball tournament in Sweetwater, TX. They played two games on Friday night and one early Saturday morning. Their first game was against Midland Christian School who has a 6 foot 8th grade girl on the team. The Jim Ned Lady Indians (JNLI) eeked out a 1 point win against a competitve ball team. It was fun to watch! Then fifteen minutes after their first game, JNLI had to play against the host team the 8th grade B Team of the Sweetwater Lady Mustangs. This game was NOT fun to watch. In fact it was horrifying!
After the game, as we discussed what it was like, the consensus was that it was like watching something out of a bad prison movie. I have never seen any team so inappropriately aggressive as the Sweetwater 8th grade B team. Many of the JNLI parents passed comments back and forth through out the game wondering if the JNLI coach would forefit and walk out at half time. It was literally that bad. My family and I happened to eat at the same restraunt as the team after the game and the coach told us it was one of the most unsafe environments in which she had ever been.
Half-way through the third quarter after 3 of our girls were injured, I noticed a man who seemed to be a school offical/administrator talking to the referees. It was my assumption that he was telling them to get the game under control and to speak to the Sweetwater coach about the chaoticly aggressive manner of play. The Sweetwater grils seemed to ease up in the 4th quarter. Through out the game I had been considering writing a letter to the Sweetwater ISD about how apalling this experience had been and I believe I am pretty good at composing rational, professional, yet direct correspondence. But seeing this man have this talk with the referees, I thought a face-to-face conversation would be appropriate as well, and he might be willing to receive it. So, I began to formulate my thoughts and strategy as to how to approach him without coming across as an out of control parent.
At the end of the game, I approached this man just after he escorted the referees to their changing room. I extended my hand, introduced myself by name and as a parent with the Jim Ned team. I then asked if he was indeed a school offical. He confirmed that he was a school official, and I thought the best means of begining this conversation was with a complament. So, I said to him, "I appreciate you talking to those referees during the game." The man smiled and nodded and basically said, "Yeah, no problem." Then I told him, "But sir, it should have been done long before the 3rd quarter because what was going on out there was apalling." Apparently, he didn't like this part. He asked me if I was a school offical and when he confirmed I was "just a parent" he got this dismissive expression on his face and said, "Oh, OK, OK, yeah, OK, thank you very much Mr. Irby for your comment. Thank you very much." and he started walking back toward the crowd. I walked behind him and was about to add my final comment which was going to be, "Someone should have a talk with that girls' coach about what she is allowing to happen on the court." I only got up to "girls' coach" when he whirled around, red-faced and yelled in my face, "That girls' coach is my wife!" He continued yelling, "You have just crossed a line! Get out of my gym and get out now before I call the police Mr. Irby!" "Don't you come back!" I told him I would be glad to leave and walked away. I later found out that my family thought the guy was going to hit me. I didn't have that fear because he had already threatened to call the cops, and knew he probably wouldn't risk an asault charge.
I went to our suburban and waited for my family to get there. I didn't know if they would be embarrassed, angry, or what. Turned out, they were glad I had talked with the man and for maintaining composure.
I understand the man being upset with me, but his behavior was extreme and completely unprofessional. I did not know the coach was married to the official, and I think if I had slandered her in some way, I should have been ejected. I was simply trying to follow what I thought to be the appropriate "chain of command" to have something done about the inappropriate aggression taking place on the court. While I know it is up to the coaches and referees to maintain order, when both fail to do so, I think it is the administrations place to step in and bring about a solution. This administrator had other viable choices such as continuing to be dismissive with me and saying, "OK, I'll be sure someone talks with her." or by simply telling me "Excuse me, that coach is my wife and I would appreciate it if you would keep your opinions about her to yourself." Either one would have been much more appropriate.
After our final game on Saturday (which I attended), the JNLI coach asked that we be "uninvited" next year. She clarified to the Sweetwater coach that this had been one of the most unsafe environments in which she had ever coached because apparently the A team had a similar experience.
I never thought I'd be ejected from a gym.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Sweet 16
Today I have been married to my incredible wife for 16 years. The cool thing about being married on January 1 is that every new year together is literally a new year. There are "uncool" thinigs about being married on January 1. Such as the busyness of the holiday season interfering with a true celebration of the years spent together and the hit our budgets take at Christmas usually makes for anniversaries that are not marked with the kinds of gifts we would like to give. However, we do make time for a night out after the fact. Time with just my wife is something I cherrish and is increasingly more rare the older our children become.
One of the strengths of our marriage is that we have usually communicated about those important things. We talked and prayed about uprooting our family and leaving what was familiar in 2001 and beginning a very new and often stressful time in our lives. We have talked about the need to "go easy" on the anniversary gifts because of Christmas and the need to be sacrifical with some of our time alone to be more involved and devoted to our children during this important stage of their development. Now, that doesn't mean we always agree on everything, but one thing I can say about us as a couple is that in 16 years I don't remember either of us yelling and screaming at the other when angry. And believe me, I am not the easiest person to live with (no comments from the peanut gallery please). Respect and love for one another have been cardinal traits of this relationship. I cannot say thank you enough to her.
The apostle Paul reminds us if we are to boast it is to boast in and about Christ. He is the One I give the credit for these 16 years. It is his sustaining and overflowing grace that has brought us to and through all these years. He has blessed me with an incredibly kind, loving, gentle, extension of himself in Laurie. I cannot imagine life without her, nor would I want to. He teaches me through her on an almost daily basis. Plus, she is smokin' hot!
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