Love and Fear

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:18-19

“We love because He first loved us” – This is not the first occurrence of this phrase. The repetition of this idea means it is important. The tendency of many Christians is to interpret this notion as an obligation (i.e. Because he loves us we now HAVE to love others). It is His love that inspires us, it does not obligate us. It is His love that empowers us, because if we were to give our love it would be conditional and shallow. God’s love is unconditional and deep. If we truly recognize the depth of his love – that he would love me despite myself – I am going to want to share this love and acceptance to others. Love is the great equalizer, by recognizing God loves me despite myself, I recognize I have no room to not love others. I am no better than anyone else. Human beings are typically a fickle lot. We tend not to give ourselves the “benefit of the doubt” we give other people, but we also are guilty of thinking ourselves more highly than we ought. The psychological side of me understands that we take these vacillating stances of ourselves to avoid feeling anxiety or guilt.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” -- What keeps us from completely loving? Fear (a.k.a. anxiety). While this passage most definitely is social in nature, we tend to make the social focus more about loving the poor, needy, and those we find unlovable. This is certainly true! However, we must also keep in mind that this passage applies to our home; those closest to us. Fear keeps us from completely loving our spouse and children. Fear keeps us from loving those extended family members that have hurt us. The most common fears are: rejection, being hurt again, and losing control. These fears push people away from us, while love draws us closer. “Fear involves punishment” can mean that we fear punishment (e.g. being rejected and hurt) or use fear to withdraw love and inflict punishment. The effect is the same, creating emotional distance which goes against what we truly want which is to be loved and accepted deeply and unconditionally.

CLARIFICATION: I am not suggesting that we become “doormats” (esp. with regard to leaving abusive relationships).

Sweet 16

Today I have been married to my incredible wife for 16 years. The cool thing about being married on January 1 is that every new year together is literally a new year. There are "uncool" thinigs about being married on January 1. Such as the busyness of the holiday season interfering with a true celebration of the years spent together and the hit our budgets take at Christmas usually makes for anniversaries that are not marked with the kinds of gifts we would like to give. However, we do make time for a night out after the fact. Time with just my wife is something I cherrish and is increasingly more rare the older our children become.

One of the strengths of our marriage is that we have usually communicated about those important things. We talked and prayed about uprooting our family and leaving what was familiar in 2001 and beginning a very new and often stressful time in our lives. We have talked about the need to "go easy" on the anniversary gifts because of Christmas and the need to be sacrifical with some of our time alone to be more involved and devoted to our children during this important stage of their development. Now, that doesn't mean we always agree on everything, but one thing I can say about us as a couple is that in 16 years I don't remember either of us yelling and screaming at the other when angry. And believe me, I am not the easiest person to live with (no comments from the peanut gallery please). Respect and love for one another have been cardinal traits of this relationship. I cannot say thank you enough to her.

The apostle Paul reminds us if we are to boast it is to boast in and about Christ. He is the One I give the credit for these 16 years. It is his sustaining and overflowing grace that has brought us to and through all these years. He has blessed me with an incredibly kind, loving, gentle, extension of himself in Laurie. I cannot imagine life without her, nor would I want to. He teaches me through her on an almost daily basis. Plus, she is smokin' hot!

The Plight of Michael Scott

If you are a subscriber to any social networking interface (e.g. Facebook or MySpace) and you actually read people's "favorites" inevitably you find a host of people who list The Office among their favorite television shows. I have to agree that the Office is one of the funniest shows on television. However, I was a late-comer to the "office party" (pun intended even though its not very funny). I first started watching The Office during lunch via Netflix "view instantly" feature on my computer. As with anything I enjoy, I find increased satisfaction by over analyzing characters or the reason why I like it or why I had certain emotional reactions to characters.

The one character I find myself drawn to out of all of them is Michael Scott. Steve Carrell plays this guy with absolute genius. Genius because he adds just the right amount of distortion on what is socially acceptable to make it hilarious. On the surface, Michael is a goofy, awkward, insecure, disorganized boss. Some might even characterize him as self-absorbed to some degree. I would have to disagree with that sentiment. To me the most defining characteristic of Michael Scott is desperation. Desperation does require self-focus to get that aching need met, but it is not self-absorbed. I love the episodes that have brief flashbacks to his childhood when you see this is not a new issue for him. Michael Scott is desperate for love; desperate for acceptance; desperate for relationship. Think about every irresponsible, annoying behavior we have seen in him. It is motivated by that desperation. Even his emnity toward Toby is due to the notion that Toby and his rules stand in the way of him being more likable and accepted. Most of the time this desperation is so strong that he actually drives people away rather than drawing him to himself (Phyllis' wedding anyone?).

Last night I watched a rerun (new to me!) of the episode where Jan sues Dunder-Mifflin and Michael has to testify at the deposition. In that episode we see Michael humiliated by both his company and his girlfriend. Yet in each case he returns to them not out of a particular loyalty, per se, but a loyalty based on relationship. Think about Michael's last comment to the CEO, "I like you, too." Not, "I don't mind taking this one for the team" or "Dunder-Mifflin is a company worth defending because their products are so wonderful." When faced with the betrayal of Jan giving over his diary, he isn't confident enough just to leave it with "I can't believe you gave them my diary" but adds, "I love you" at the end with almost a question mark of, "do you still love me even though I just expressed anger toward you?"

The flaw in Michael Scott's thinking is that he must be more, do more to be accepted. Being Michael Scott is not enough. What he doesn't realize is in order to find relationship, love, and acceptance it is not from focusing completely on your performance and how others interpret it, but on focusing unashamedly on the needs of others regardless of what others might think of you. It is taking "self" out of the equation. The Apostle Paul urged this of the church at Rome

Love must be sincere, Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted
to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be
lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord... Share with
God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. -- Romans 12:9-11, 13

We see in this passage that looking out for personal interests when forming relationships and meeting needs is empty. Too often we limit the application of this passage to those who are arrogantly self-centered. When service/love/ministry is motivated by desperation, the needs of the desperate one is actually the focus; the love is insincere. To sincerely love/minister to those who are in need is also an act of worship bringing glory to God.

I have to admit that at times I identify with the plight of Michael Scott. I think all of us do on some level because we are hard-wired for relationship. The example of Michael Scott should be kept at the forefront of my mind, to be so desperately self-focused works against the desire to be loved and accepted -- it pushes people away. To focus completely on others and Christ glory will draw others to Christ in me. Love must be sincere.

The Man with the Horned-rimmed Glasses

I have jumped on the "Heroes" bandwagon late. Fortunately I have been able to DVR most of the episodes via SciFi Channel marathon. When I watch a series like this I am VERY anal about watching all the episodes in order. Last night I started episode 17: Company Man and had to turn it off because it was late. This morning I finished watching it as I ate breakfast. By the end of my second cup of coffee, I was crying like a baby!

One thing you have to understand about me is that I am NOT a very emotionally expressive person when it comes to television and movies. The last time I remember crying in a movie was during Passion of the Christ. When Jesus looked at Peter across the courtyard after the denials, it tore me up! Well, today, Heroes had a very similar effect. If you are a fan of the show and have not gotten to episode 17 yet, DON'T READ THIS BLOG! There are major "spoilers."

For those of you who have not seen the show, a little background is important. You see, there is this "man with the horned-rimmed glasses" that is a supporting character. At the first of the series you think maybe he's the "evil villian -- Sylar" and then you get confused as to whether or not he is a "good guy" or a "bad guy." He's the father of "the cheerleader" Claire, but he is also very connected with an organization that captures these genetically mutated people and "tags" them with tracking devices. He knows about his daughter being one of these genetically mutated people and throughout you wonder if he is just waiting for the right time to get her, or if he really does care about her and is trying to protect her. His motives are always in question, and most of the time I thought he was just an evil man.

All your questions are answered in episode 17. You find out that he really does love his "Claire Bear" and has to make the ultimate sacrifice for her. In order to protect her, he submits to this mutated guy who has the ability to erase memories on varying levels (e.g. erase the day, erase a lifetime). The "man with the horned-rimmed glasses" knows that if he has any recollection of his 16 year-old daughter that his "company" could track her down and ultimately end her life. So he tells this memory eraser to "go deep and take everything out." It was a very emotional scene because Claire is with them and is begging him not to do it. He knows it's the only way to save her.

I sat there crying thinking about my own daughter, how much I love her, and how terrible it would be to have to scrape all memories away of her. The times I would push her on the swing, swim with her as she begged me to catch her "one more time" off the side of the pool, or just hear her call me "daddy" or "dad." That would be TERRIBLE!

We can learn a lot from "the man with the horned-rimmed glasses" about sacrificial love. A love that puts its object before his/her own desires and endures pain because it is what's best for the loved one.