Love and Fear

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:18-19

“We love because He first loved us” – This is not the first occurrence of this phrase. The repetition of this idea means it is important. The tendency of many Christians is to interpret this notion as an obligation (i.e. Because he loves us we now HAVE to love others). It is His love that inspires us, it does not obligate us. It is His love that empowers us, because if we were to give our love it would be conditional and shallow. God’s love is unconditional and deep. If we truly recognize the depth of his love – that he would love me despite myself – I am going to want to share this love and acceptance to others. Love is the great equalizer, by recognizing God loves me despite myself, I recognize I have no room to not love others. I am no better than anyone else. Human beings are typically a fickle lot. We tend not to give ourselves the “benefit of the doubt” we give other people, but we also are guilty of thinking ourselves more highly than we ought. The psychological side of me understands that we take these vacillating stances of ourselves to avoid feeling anxiety or guilt.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” -- What keeps us from completely loving? Fear (a.k.a. anxiety). While this passage most definitely is social in nature, we tend to make the social focus more about loving the poor, needy, and those we find unlovable. This is certainly true! However, we must also keep in mind that this passage applies to our home; those closest to us. Fear keeps us from completely loving our spouse and children. Fear keeps us from loving those extended family members that have hurt us. The most common fears are: rejection, being hurt again, and losing control. These fears push people away from us, while love draws us closer. “Fear involves punishment” can mean that we fear punishment (e.g. being rejected and hurt) or use fear to withdraw love and inflict punishment. The effect is the same, creating emotional distance which goes against what we truly want which is to be loved and accepted deeply and unconditionally.

CLARIFICATION: I am not suggesting that we become “doormats” (esp. with regard to leaving abusive relationships).

More Than We Can Handle

The following is an unedited copy of an article I wrote for the Abilene Mental Health Association's series on integrating faith and psychology that will be published sometime in December in the Abilene Reporter News. This subject has been a pet-peeve of mine for some time.

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I know why we do it. We know and love someone who is experiencing grief related to a death or surviving a trauma of some sort and we want to offer words of encouragement and hope to let them know we love them and are hurting for them. For many people, being around those who are hurting is an uncomfortable experience so they reach for something to say that might break the tension they feel. One of the most common offerings given to those grieving is common Christian clichés that many believe are grounded biblically and therefore can bring comfort. One of the most common clichés given is “God will never give you more than you can handle.” This statement is going to be examined along two levels. The first level is looking at the biblical basis for the cliché and the second is following the logic of the cliché and assessing whether or not we are expressing what is true and helpful to those grieving.

“God will never give us more than we can handle.” The only place in scripture I can find any semblance of support for this sentiment is in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that reads: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (NIV, emphasis mine). This text speaks of temptation and not trial. James’ epistle speaks of trials as a testing of our faith, not a testing of our own strength. The life of faith is a life to be lived dependent upon God’s work in and through us. In fact, it seems to be a central theme to the whole of scripture that God consistently gives us more than we can handle because when we recognize we cannot handle our circumstances, we are open to recognizing our God who can handle any and all of our suffering and pain. Consider the Old Testament account of the 12 spies sent to investigate the Promised Land. Ten of the spies returned discouraged believing the land would never be theirs as God had promised because the men were like giants. Two of the spies, the faithful spies (Caleb and Joshua) focused rather on God’s ability not man’s inability. The message of this cliché seems to be that it is God’s role to filter through trials, protect us against those that are too tough for us, and allow only those we are strong enough to bear. While God is in the equation of this cliché, the focus of the cliché is on us and our ability which, again, seems contrary to a life of faith.

Evangelist Richard Jackson has said that God often does not get enough credit for things he is responsible for, and often gets too much blame for things He is not. It is this sentiment that fuels my examination of these cliché’s. If we are to offer words of comfort, let’s make sure they are genuine representatives of God in our suffering. The place of God in our suffering is with us and in us via His Holy Spirit. In this example of God’s presence with us, that we can find how to truly be a comforter in the lives of those we love. Honestly, the best comfort most people can give is not in their words of wisdom, but in their presence. The Jewish people have a tradition of “Sitting Shiva” for those who are grieving. In this practice a person is simply being present. There is no pressure to speak or act, simply to be. The presence of one person who cares is more powerful than a book filled with clichés.